I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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