Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
