In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
