Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
