found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
