update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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