I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
