You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Boobs speak an international language.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
