things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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