Someone shit on the floor
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Michael Bay diarrhea
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Randomize
