Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
