I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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