the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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