I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
