omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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