No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am one with the molecules
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
