I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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