The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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