There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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