I CAN MOONWALK!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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