I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
