help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
