Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
