dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
