My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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