Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
