how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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