Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
