bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
