Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
