I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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