I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
