Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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