i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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