Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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