I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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