Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We are all done wearing pants today
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
