She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
