Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
