Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
