talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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