And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
