Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
