we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
