i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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