I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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