My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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