Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
