On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
