I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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