We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
