I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
